Next Tuesday: I Turn to Emoticon

I've been having issues expressing myself lately.
As such, I predict this entry to be disheveled at best.

(inhale)
It's little things really.
I'll accidentally, ever so delicately, let slip something like, 'You sir, are a waste of the valuable resources it takes to maintain your idiotic existence and the planet would be less burdened without you in it.'
When what I meant to say was, 'Wearing a backwards baseball cap & sunnies at the gym is an interesting choice. You must have a thing for skinny jeans given your upper body is so impressively wide and your legs are so impressively...not wide. This girl you appear to be courting looks stunning with a full face of make-up. She's smart to avoid breaking a sweat whilst exercising, lowering the intensity of the stair master to its Geriatric Hill Climb program. You're both awesome examples of human beings.'

Those familiar with my (let's call them) turns, understand that this behaviour should be considered a warning. Back the fuck off until I've figured 'it' out, whatever 'it' is. Random douch-bag behaviour from the likes of Captain Backwards-Cap and Lady Maybelline (maybe she's just fucked in the head.) should simply be opportunities for me to either 'unearth the funny' or dismiss. But when humour shifts into cynicism and my inner bi-atch takes the over, shit turns CRAY until I figure what the fuck my actual problem is.

As I sit in a rut of irritation, I turn to the Internets in the vain attempt to achieve what I know I cannot: Connect. The flashing cursor on my blank Facebook status mocks me, daring me populate it with Taylor Swift lyrics, impromptu poetry or the sad emoticon. I instead consult Google for a fix of Cat Memes.

It was around page three that I remembered how to smile. At the same time it occurred to me that the sad emoticon was probably (almost) a good choice. Emoticons provide us with a way to communicate without the need for anything that would constitute regular standards of human conversation and ultimately the best get-out-of-conversation-free card for when all you want to say is, "Go fuck yourself."

The only problem with using the sad emoticon is how uncomfortably literal it is.

I saw it as duty to my future self to create a set of emoticons that I could turn to when I next turn. Emoticons that could clearly communicate my state of being, better than any words ever could, yet somehow were devoid of 'sad'. I share these with you now.